This morning I came to the conclusion that I actually needed to break up with my boyfriend. There were a lot of reasons, but the majority of what I was thinking came down to the simple fact that I wasn't happy. I didn't feel like I was good enough at times. I didn't get physical OR verbal queues that he really cared, and I spent most of my time concerned with the fact that I was moving at a different pace than him in the relationship--or rather, concerned with the fact that I didn't even know where he was at in the relationship. I know for sure that these are things that I need, more than anything else.
I'm going to miss him (and his son) a lot. He really is a great person, just not the person for me. I can't blame him--maybe this just wasn't our time. We'd been seeing each other since Labor Day and we live an hour apart (though he works here). It wasn't enough for me. His focus went from finalizing his divorce to buying a house and with that on top of having a son it would be easy for anyone to feel like there is no room. For me that wasn't even the problem. I believe that if someone wants to be with you they will make time. Sure, I saw him twice over the last week, but I didn't see him for nearly 2 weeks before that, and before that time it had been a week. That equates to seeing my 'boyfriend' 5 times in a month. It didn't feel like a relationship to me. He hadn't met my friends and I hadn't met his. In fact the only person in his life I ever met was his son. He never met anyone in mine, but that wasn't because I didn't want him to. It was because he was busy. And don't get me wrong, he was legitimately busy. Too busy for me--too busy probably for anyone.
He wasn't cheating on me and he wasn't just ignoring me. I do understand that. However, as a close friend of mine recently said. I am a cactus. I'm not overly needy. I don't need to be watered every day. But sometimes I still do need some of those simple gestures that he cares. Early in a relationship, and when you're young like me and wanting more, this just doesn't work. I need a give and take relationship with someone that I know cares. Not that he didn't give. He gave, he just didn't know how to give what I needed. We just weren't compatible.
It's funny because I'm writing this as I know what I'm going to do just 5 or so hours from now (though I won't publish this blog until then), but at the moment he's still technically my boyfriend. I'm writing this to give myself the courage.
Being in the wrong relationship will help me find the right one. Letting him go will help me see the flaws that I already know exist. There will be tears, but I need some time. For now, being single is okay. Being single is just fine.
I'm going to miss him (and his son) a lot. He really is a great person, just not the person for me. I can't blame him--maybe this just wasn't our time. We'd been seeing each other since Labor Day and we live an hour apart (though he works here). It wasn't enough for me. His focus went from finalizing his divorce to buying a house and with that on top of having a son it would be easy for anyone to feel like there is no room. For me that wasn't even the problem. I believe that if someone wants to be with you they will make time. Sure, I saw him twice over the last week, but I didn't see him for nearly 2 weeks before that, and before that time it had been a week. That equates to seeing my 'boyfriend' 5 times in a month. It didn't feel like a relationship to me. He hadn't met my friends and I hadn't met his. In fact the only person in his life I ever met was his son. He never met anyone in mine, but that wasn't because I didn't want him to. It was because he was busy. And don't get me wrong, he was legitimately busy. Too busy for me--too busy probably for anyone.
He wasn't cheating on me and he wasn't just ignoring me. I do understand that. However, as a close friend of mine recently said. I am a cactus. I'm not overly needy. I don't need to be watered every day. But sometimes I still do need some of those simple gestures that he cares. Early in a relationship, and when you're young like me and wanting more, this just doesn't work. I need a give and take relationship with someone that I know cares. Not that he didn't give. He gave, he just didn't know how to give what I needed. We just weren't compatible.
It's funny because I'm writing this as I know what I'm going to do just 5 or so hours from now (though I won't publish this blog until then), but at the moment he's still technically my boyfriend. I'm writing this to give myself the courage.
Being in the wrong relationship will help me find the right one. Letting him go will help me see the flaws that I already know exist. There will be tears, but I need some time. For now, being single is okay. Being single is just fine.
